Oh, bugger.

Had to grin at kennahijja's recentish confessional about branching into a new fandom. Cause, she and many of my other friends are haring after a series that revolves around a teenage boy getting tortured - nothing unusual about that 'round here. Whereas my siren call is coming from a series of which I only became aware because [almost] everyone on my list was gleefully sporking it.

( Cut for those who hate Twilight. And, come to that, for those who love it. )

So. I'm kicking myself a little (but only a little) for falling for yet another figment of someone else's imagination. But I'm also wondering (and hoping) if it's symptomatic of something else.

See, apart from having the chance to visit good friends and revisit old territory, my trip to Edinburgh last week had another outcome: I forgot to take my antidepressants with me. I was a bit annoyed at myself about this, because in the past when I've missed a dose or two I've lasted about a day before getting extremely dizzy. This time I had a searing sore throat on the second day, from which Hijja gallantly rescued me armed with a handful of cough sweets. But, though I felt a little unsettled, I didn't feel dreadful, and after four days of inadvertent cold turkey I decided to continue without them as my Doctor has been nagging me to do all year. Two more days and I woke up and didn't feel groggy. Bliss.

Ten days and counting... and feeling not too bad, though still fuzzy-headed about practicalities. Yes, I know it's a bloody stupid time to try it, at the darkest time of the year and shitting myself about not having enough work to pay the rent, but it's been just over five years and I've had enough.

I almost cried in the rehearsal for our Christmas Concert on Saturday. Which I could have done without, really, but it was such a relief to feel. Looking back, much of this last year has been buried alive. I want to feel alive, to learn something new, to feel the wind on my face, to maybe even find some self-confidence again, to taste the intensity of life even if our extrovert society's definition of such doesn't work for me. So I will take my Twilight drugs with a wry smile, in the hope that it's a sign that the shackles are slipping from my feelings. Perhaps I'll even be able to consider finding love.

And to write... I've been saying, these last years (years! what waste!) that the drugs have made it harder for me to get into the writing headspace. I won't have that excuse now. Will I remember how to dance with the muse, or will I need to learn discipline to pay her homage?

(Sorry, got a bit purple there. I blame the last 120 pages of New Moon.)

If you've been to the cinema lately, you may have noticed adverts for a film called 'Invictus'. Freaks me out every time I see it. From tomorrow I'll be in the Dales for a week, with very sporadic internet access. I'm hoping that will help me get my fingers back to the keyboard.

And finally, whether you know the source material or just like silly pics of cats, here's some Twilight and New Moon in LOLcat form:
Twilight
New Moon

Merry Yuletude, everyone. And thanks for all the snowflakes!