How the other half lives

[chthonya]

I love Susan Howatch's novels - modern stories that place spirituality at the heart of life are all too rare - but her social attitudes boggle me, especially this gem from A Question of Integrity:

I sat on the sofa, my brain automatically printng out the class-system data which had been accumulating there ever since the day over thirty-two years ago when I had drawn my first breath of English air. Lady Cynthia Aysgarth wouldn't have mentioned her Christian name in those particular circumstances unless it formed part of her title. She hadn't declared herself to be merely 'Lady Aysgarth', so that meant she wasn't a life peeress or the wife of a baron, baronet or knight. 'Lady Cynthia Aysgarth', requiring to be addressed as 'Lady Cynthia', would be the daughter of an earl or a marquess - or possibly even the daughter of a duke.

I'm glad I studied physics and not etiquette - this stuff makes special relativity and three-dimensional calculus look simple. But what amazes me is 1) why anyone should care; and 2) why anyone should assume I would a) care and b) know about this stuff, just by virtue of growing up in England. But although I was surrounded by this world when I was younger, I was never of it, vaguely perceiving the snobbery with much loathing but little understanding. (That loathing is part of the reason why I've been out of England for over ten years, and I'm hoping that trying to increase my understanding will allow me to deal with it enough to be comfortable moving 'home'.)

Writing and reading Luciusfic - with all its attendant assumptions about class - has made me even more aware of my ignorance, so when I heard someone from Debrett's being interviewed on the radio about Camilla Parker-Bowles newly invented title, I looked them up on the internet. And what a treasure-trove! There's a list of events in the 'social season' (as of today there's only 5 days left to shoot deer in Scotland this season), and a list of 'Things to remember' for each month. (If you want to be 'Somebody', don't forget:

• End of month deadline for Trooping the Colour application


• Apply for Glyndebourne (May-August) to go on mailing list and for ballot form: 01273 815000


• Book tickets for Marsh Tennis Classic (June): 020 7351 7499


• Phone bookings for Hampton Court Flower Show (July): 020 7630 7422)

Then there's an etiquette FAQ, for those needing to know how to respond to a formal invitation (one must always so do in the third person), and a page on correct forms of address for persons of every title imaginable, (to which I'll definitely be referring next time I have to write a database that generates form letters!). Best of all is the links page, essential should you ever need to hire your own aeroplane (after all, "with a private jet at your disposal, you can dramatically cut your travel time by avoiding queues at check-in, slow moving security screening and the headache of flight delays and cancellations"). Unsurprisingly, the aviation company does nothing so vulgar as to quote prices - I suppose that, like those Eton restaurants that don't show prices on the menu, if you have to ask, you can't afford it. How much simpler is life in a world where one can Apparate!

Actually, I lied about the best thing on the site. The best thing is the quiz. I was relieved to note that I only got 3 out of 10. ;)